maybe this is a cross between stream of consciousness, universal sounding board, or help from above, below, and between, bless you all and notice that we're all the same.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

Family pressures getting me down. Dad is hanging in there after two strokes, one left brain, one right severely affecting his ability to carry on a conversation. How much we take for granted, me and all my chatty-kathys. He trys to speak, mostly he smiles. So hard to see my Daddy so weak and helpless although the love exuding from him is penetrating. All I can do is love him as much as I can, but it's never enough. I don't see him as much as I'd like. I told my Mother "I want to be with you guys all the time", and she said "that isn't what it's about". Yeah like go live my puny life. He feels so much more important. How can I ever repay him for all he's done. He wants no return, but I want to give him everything. Whenever I asked that man for anything he always said yes first. So grateful for the lesson, his example of how to love. With all that you've got, such a generous person, my father, forever giving of himself. Kind, sweet, gentle nature so lovely to be around. I'm feeling kinda melancholy and beautifully blessed at the same time. We really give in our own way, however we can, no one else can love like you, or me, or him. I shall try to remember that the next time I think I have to say goodbye. Our loved ones are inside our hearts. We never have to let them go. We're all quite extraordinarily unique individuals. Can learn plenty from each other's beauty and bullshit. So lucky to have so much love around me. And a father's love is so important. Hug your Dad today, call him up and tell him how much you love him, make peace with him if you are fighting. My friend Sarito sent me an article from Osho about forgiveness, and it really moved me. We don't have to wait until people are worthy of our forgiveness. We can never wait until the right moment. If we can have compassion now, we are the ones who are worthy. Good for the relationship, and good for the one open enough to forgive. In this petty existence, how many times have people bugged me, not recognized me or given me what I wanted, how silly I've been to hold agitation. When death approaches, everybody wakes up. A friend lost a young cousin, cleaning a gun. A man cuts the grass and a tree falls on him. A rich old lady walks out of her Fifth Avenue co-op with her doggies and gets hit by a car. So many stories we hear every day. Can I ever get that it is only right now. Getting into dramas, creating stress and conflict, worrying about tomorrow, unable to release the past. What about that self-help shit? Burn the books. Practice. Why do I forget to remember? Please. Focus. Don't beat myself up either. What happened to loving ourselves? Oh right. Try again. Or as a famous acting teacher once said "Do it means do it!".

Friday, August 11, 2006

Take a Chance on Love or Am I Out of My Mind

I recently became reacquainted with my childhood sweetheart. 35 years ago, we were hippie kids and best buddies and first lovers and went to lots of led zeppelin concerts and hung out at the filmore east. we studied yoga and t.m. and he came every day from brooklyn to manhattan by train to pick me up rain or shine from my all girls catholic high school. my friends called him the mailman. we cared/enjoyed/puppy loved each other a lot but i never wanted to marry, anyone. no need for that or babies. at 49 i felt my first biological tick so i got a dog, my little murfi, the maltese puppy who owns my heart and rules our roost. So do u think I can really love this guy and have a life, at 52, am I crazy or what? Or crazy not to? Believe me in this lonely town of not even knowing who your neighbors are it's comforting to know that (old Italian saying) "every pot has its cover". But who can handle another person's habits after living alone most of one's life. Then you get into all those relationship issues like why doesn't he call me more often and then when he does you want him to leave u alone. Am I unfeeling, unromantic or just not getting this togetherness thing? Oh god wait till you get to know me, I'm damaged, I'm spoiled, I'm trouble, I'm moody, I'm fickle, I'm restless, I'm sloppy. Help me. Isn't it better to just put on your best face and little black dress, have dinner and go home to sleep in your own bed.